Breathe Out Slow Read online

  Breathe Out Slow

  * * *

  Written by AD Lawless

  CHAPTER ONE

  August 2003

  He woke up and his eyelids were heavy, dark. There was light on the other side, but he couldn't force them open. It was so much work and if he did… If he opened his eyes then it was real. There was nothing he wanted more than for all of this to be some kinda sick nightmare that was caught on loop. Like if he just smacked the side of his life hard enough, it'd stop skipping.

  “Ry, honey, I know you’re awake. You need to open your eyes for me, okay? I just-” Her voice cracked and he knew his mom was crying. Gently, her fingertips brushed his dark blonde bangs off of his forehead. “Just need to see those green eyes. Please? I need to know you're okay.”

  Ryan's breath caught painfully in his throat because it hurt so damn bad to hear his mom cry, but it’d hurt worse if he knew it was real. If- if he opened his eyes, then Chris was gone. And Chris was everything. So how was Ryan supposed to face that? Tears leaked from the corners of his closed eyes, and his mom squeezed his hand.

  “Alright. Okay, Sweetheart.” She finally choked out. “We’ll try again later.”

  Not a single sound passed his lips, but inside he was screaming. Just a litany of no, over and over and over. Flashes of last weekend burst bright behind his eyelids and he wanted to push them away, wanted to ignore them but he couldn’t. He deserved the pain they brought with them.

  The party on Friday night had been loud; bass heavy music and the sound of drunken laughter permeated the air. Ryan’d had his fair share of beer since he’d arrived a few hours ago and he was pleasantly buzzed. Stomach warm in that hazy way it got when you were at the good stage of drunk. He was listening to Josh talk about the girl he’d had a crush on for most of their senior year. It was funny how Josh could look as good as he did, objectively, and still be a nervous wreck when it came to interacting with girls.

  Ryan thought it was pretty lucky that he’d never had to go through that. Chris had always been meant for him, and he’d always been meant for Chris. Not that anyone really knew. Chris’s mom was pretty religious and he’d always been worried she’d find out. Too scared of losing Chris, Ryan had never made an issue of it and besides, soon they’d be away at university and they wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

  Not being able to say they were together had it’s downsides; They were both pretty attractive if Ryan said so himself, especially Chris who was tall and tanned with dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes, had a wide smile that lit up rooms. Which basically meant that one of them was frequently the object of someone else’s affection. Letting someone down easy got a lot harder when you couldn’t just say you had a boyfriend. And there’d definitely been times when people questioned why they didn’t date. For Ryan it was easy to brush off as being too caught up in school work. Being a bit of a science buff had it’s perks, he guessed.

  Chris had a harder time with it. Didn’t help that he flirted like he breathed: mostly unconsciously, so Ryan tried not to let it bother him. Charismatic and friendly, people were drawn to Chris in a way that Ryan often envied. Getting along with people was so easy for him. Completely the opposite of Ryan’s general dislike for other human beings, especially before he’d been sufficiently caffeinated.

  Josh and Chris were pretty much the only exceptions to his social apathy, or at least, they put up with his shit the best and they, for unknown reasons, actually liked to be around his somewhat cranky ass. Not that they didn't have other friends, they did, but all three of them had been best friends since daycare. Through thick and thin and ups and downs, they’d gone through it all together. Which was why Josh’d known almost instantly when Chris and Ryan’s relationship shifted into something deeper.

  Occasionally, Ryan felt a little guilty that Josh had to keep such a big secret, but he never seemed to mind, which eased his conscience a bit.

  “Hey, by the way, where’d Chris wander off to?” Josh asked suddenly, blue eyes drunk-bright with a slight squint. His head tilted a little curiously as his light brown hair fell over one eye. “Been like fifteen minutes. How long’s it take to hit the can? Think he fell in? His drunk ass totally fell in.”

  Josh chuckled loudly at himself and Ryan fondly rolled his eyes, “He probably got sidetracked by Lexie’s cats. You know his cat-person persona only shows up when he’s sloppy drunk. Total dog-person the rest of the time. Who even knew alcohol could change your pet preferences?”

  A wide grin flashed across Josh’s lips and he said, “I mean, there’s a lotta things drunk-me would do that sober-me’d say ‘What the fuck man!’ over so I got no room to judge.”

  “Drunk-you is just sober-you with even less of a filter.” Ryan said as he scanned the living room for some sign of Chris. Seriously, what the fuck was taking him so long?

  “I have a filter?” Josh asked, “I should really work harder on saying whatever the fuck’s on my mind. Like right fucking now, for instance. You’re not even listening to me asshole, just go find your- um, best friend.”

  “Fine, but if he fell in he’s your best friend for the rest of the night.”

  “Whatever dude, like you wouldn’t walk his ass home.”

  Slight dizziness made Ryan’s head swim when he pushed off from where he was leaned against the wall and he realized maybe he was a little tipsier than he thought, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fucking prince charming.”

  Josh’s laughter followed him as he headed across the room, had to weave his way through bodies packed tight in the small space. Jesus, was everyone they graduated with here? The staircase was barely better, but at least he didn’t have to touch anyone as he walked up the steps. His skin was already nearly crawling with too many people around him, and anxiety ate through a bit of his buzz.

  At the top of the stairs the hallway was dotted with people and the bathroom door was shut. Just in case, Ryan turned the handle and opened the door to check inside. Wrapped all around Chris, her hands tangled up in the back of his hair and her lips on his, was Allie from their English class. Shock and confusion stabbed into his chest at breakneck speeds and his stomach turned nauseously because Ryan just couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Chris wouldn’t- why would he?

  They broke apart and Ryan realized he must’ve made some kind of startled noise because Allie was smirking at him and Chris looked guilty, upset. Abruptly, Chris pushed Allie back a few steps and walked toward Ryan with his arms outstretched, palms facing out like he was approaching a spooked animal. Almost within touching distance when Ryan finally focused enough through his shock to realize Chris was saying something.

  Ryan shook his head in denial, eyes wide and wet as he backed away. His pulse pounded in his ears and he just couldn't. Betrayal and anguish tangled up hotly in his chest as he backed away. With no memory of having turned around and left, Ryan found himself outside, cool summer night air against his burning face and all he could think about was why? Why would Chris do that?

  His heart was tearing agonizingly apart and all he could do was put one clumsy foot in front of the other. Didn’t wanna break down right then. He just- He needed to get home. Needed to think and his brain was too fuzzy with alcohol to make sense of this. All he knew was that it hurt so bad. That the person he trusted most in the whole world- the person he loved with every single part of him had- had cheated was so painful and his brain wouldn’t stop replaying the way Allie’d been all over Chris.

  No one… No one except Ryan had kissed Chris before. Or he’d thought he was the only one. The only who got to be with him like that but if… If he was making out with Allie at a fucking party where his boyfriend was just downstairs who the hell knew what else Chris had lied about. Did he even love him? Did he eve
n care about him? Bile burned the back of Ryan’s throat and he choked down a sob.

  And the part that sucked the most was that Ryan still loved Chris. Angry and hurt and utterly gutted and he still ached for his strong arms to wrap around him and tell him everything was okay. That was- so, so fucked up, wasn’t it? God, what was wrong with him?

  A hand wrapped around his bicep and spun him backwards. Face to face with Chris, his brown eyes shadowed in the dark and so sad.

  “Ryan-”

  Roughly, Ryan yanked his arm out of Chris’s grasp and all that betrayal and anger and hurt that’d been simmering in his gut boiled over, “Don’t! Don’t touch me.”

  Surprise and anguish flickered through Chris’s eyes and irrationally Ryan had the impulse to make it better because that hurt too. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself. There was no excuse for what Chris did and no matter what he wanted to say, Ryan couldn’t listen to empty words and apologies.

  “Ry, I’m so sorry. It’s not what you-”

  Ryan shook his head again and voice thick with pain, cut him off. “I need to go home. I- Chris I can’t right now.”

  Almost frantically, Chris nodded, eyes desperate, “Okay, I’ll come with you. We can talk at your place, okay?”

  “I’m going alone. I don’t think I can- I need to be alone.” Ryan said, defeated and sad.

  Pleadingly Chris stepped closer to him, tried again, “I just- Ryan if you just listen, I can explain-”

  Ryan’s eyes widened and then narrowed down into angry slits of emotion, “Yeah, sure! I’m sure you know exactly how to rationalize it. Probably thought up all kinds of reasons. I can’t believe you’d do this to me.” Disbelief and molasses thick misery leaked into his voice. He should’ve stopped there. Should’ve just listened to what Chris had to say or told him to go home. Anything but what came out next. He couldn’t though; righteous indignation burned way too hotly in his stomach and words he didn’t really mean came out instead, “Just… Go back to the party Chris. Get drunk and make out with whoever the hell you want. I don’t fucking care what you do. I’m done. Just- God, just leave me the fuck alone!”

  Chris recoiled like he’d been slapped and then anger replaced the grief on his face, “Fine, you know what? Fuck this. You wanna leave? Then go.”

  “Fine.” Tears stung at the corners of Ryan’s eyes and he brushed a frustrated hand beneath his eyes to wipe them away as his lips trembled. Chris blinked and the outrage on his face melted away as he stepped closer again, but Ryan backed up.

  “Ryan…”

  “No, don’t.” His world was breaking apart bit by bit. Crumbled in a messy, bloody heap around his feet. His chest was hollow and numb and he had to go. Despair made his voice rough as he walked away and said, “I need space. Just go back to the party.”

  Somehow Ryan’d made it home that night. The twenty minute walk took twice as long thanks to the fact he’d been staggering drunkenly under the crushing weight of Chris’s unfaithfulness. He knew Chris was bi, knew how much easier his life would be if he’d fallen in love with a girl instead of him, and oh, look. He fucking might’ve.

  No, Ryan couldn’t believe that. Under his covers, curled up on his side in his bed, he couldn’t. Whatever had happened with Allie it wasn’t that. Chris wasn’t that kind of person. Even after he’d seen it with his own eyes, Ryan barely believed that he’d kissed someone else let alone that he’d actually…

  All Ryan wanted were for his thoughts to shut the hell up. Just stop thinking about it. He didn’t know why and asking himself repeatedly wasn’t going to produce some kind of magical answer. He kept trying to turn his brain off, but he couldn’t. His thoughts churned and his throat scratched as tears he’d held back finally spilled over his cheeks.

  And he’d thought… That night he’d thought it was the worst thing he’d ever felt. Nothing could’ve hurt worse than that.

  He was wrong.

  A repetitive vibration had woken him from his restless exhausted sleep and sirens that couldn’t be all that far away wailed noisily. 3:24 am was burned into his memory forever. He saw it on his eyelids whenever he closed them after that. Because 3:24 am was the exact time his life ended.

  The details of the phone call were stuck in his brain too, Chris’s mom’s voice, shocked and furious, but he tried not to think about them. Little snippets crept through anyway; Chris had gotten even drunker. He’d left the party. Told people he needed to talk to Ryan. Gotten in his car, stupid, why the fuck did he do something so fucking stupid? Crashed it into a telephone pole just a few blocks from Ryan’s. And then- her voice broke and she told him- she said- Chris died on the scene. It was all Ryan’s fault.

  And she was right. She was right, it was.

  After that it took three days for Ryan to get out of bed. He just couldn't make himself care. Couldn't stop replaying his last words to Chris. Their last moments. He'd never get to accept Chris’ apology or work it out or know if they would've broken up. Never knew why. The only thing he wanted was Chris alive and he made desperate pleas in his head.

  Promised to do anything, forgive anything, die himself but no one was listening or if they were they didn't care because Ryan was still there and Chris was gone. Nothing made sense anymore. Mattered anymore.

  Josh was the one who eventually pulled him out of it. He’d been there for hours each day since the accident. Just sat by Ryan’s bed. Sometimes he held his hand, or talked but Ryan didn’t react. Locked up in his own thoughts. He wanted to die too. Felt like he was anyway, so why not make it official?

  Finally Josh snapped, maybe out of desperation or fear of losing both of his best friends, Ryan didn’t really know, but whatever it was, Josh lost it on him.

  “Jesus fuck, Ryan. Get your fucking shit together! I know this sucks, I know.” Josh said thickly, sounded like he choked a little. “Chris was my best friend too. But so are you and I can’t lose both of you. Ryan, I can’t. I know it’s probably fucking selfish, but I don’t care. Snap the fuck out of this because I need you. Your mom and dad and your sister. They need you too. And I know, I fucking know Chris would never want this. He’d want you to get the fuck out of this goddamn bed, take a mother fucking shower and keep going.”

  Either the impassioned tone of Josh’s voice or the fact that he was right pierced through Ryan’s fractured thoughts and caught his attention. Chris wouldn’t want this. The idea that he was disappointing Chris burned through him, forced his eyes open and Josh’s relief’d been palpable but the ripped out hollow in Ryan's chest felt like a sucking void that sapped all his energy. He got good at hiding it. Or thought he did.

  For a few weeks he forced himself into a routine; sleep until noon, eat breakfast, shower, watch movies until one of his friends came to drag him out of the house. He went along with it, but he wasn’t really there. He answered when they spoke to him, smiled and laughed at the appropriate places but it felt like a mask. By the time he got home, he was exhausted. He’d eat dinner with his family and make himself react in all the right ways when they engaged him but he was numb.

  At night he stood in his bedroom and looked out his window at the park across the street. He remembered playing there with Chris, but his memories hurt to recall. He looked anyway, because he deserved to hurt. Looked until his eyes blurred with tears and his lips were pressed tightly together on bitten down sobs.

  Two more days and he was leaving for university. Even though it was only a couple hours away his mom’d tried to talk him out of going. She was worried about him, thought it might be better if he stayed home instead of moving into his dorm room but he couldn’t. Constantly being surrounded by their past was suffocating him. How was he supposed to breathe when his bedroom was full of the ghosts of them? Everything around him reminded him of Chris and he needed to get away.

  He might not’ve deserved it, but something had to give. He couldn’t keep up this balancing act between pretending everything was fine during the day and falling apart at night. God, h
e just missed Chris so much and he had no idea how to actually live without him. Wasn’t even sure he could, but the one thing he knew for sure, was if he stayed there…

  He just couldn’t.

  The day they dropped him off and helped him haul in the meagre possessions he’d brought with him, Ryan’d put on a hell of a show. Smiled and acted like he was excited. Introduced himself to his new neighbors, hugged his parents and his sister, Emma, when they’d left. That afternoon he’d gone to Josh’s room a few floors down and he’d spent the rest of the day with him. From the outside Ryan was sure it looked like any other move-in day, but inside he just didn’t feel anything.

  A few of his friends were going to the same state university he was, and Ryan knew when they showed up at his door over the next few weeks, his mom’d asked them to look out for him. They’d all popped by his dorm regularly to check on him, coaxed him out for some social time and he went because he didn’t want to worry his mom or Josh. But in spite of his best efforts, Josh wasn’t buying it in the least. He was worried anyway, and Ryan couldn’t understand why he even cared.

  Everyone else thought he was moving on, that he was okay, only none of it was real. Monday-Friday he looked like every other freshman on paper. He went to class, did his homework, had lunch with his friends and he smiled when he was supposed to. Laughed. Come Saturday though, he and a bottle of whiskey didn’t leave his room unless it was to take a piss. You’d be surprised how easy it was to bribe someone to buy your liquor for you when you had a nice face and a charming smile.

  Weekends were when he let himself remember until he drank enough to forget.

  CHAPTER TWO

  June 2003

  On his back, cool grass tickled Ryan’s bare arms and legs as he stared up at a pinprick bright swath of stars in the midnight blue sky. Their tent was set up behind them, middle of nowhere on some land Ryan’s parents owned. It was a little cool for a t-shirt and shorts, but he wasn't cold. A warm breeze ruffled his dark blonde bangs and he reached his left hand up to swipe them away.